finally i walked away

05/09/10

 this year was a good year.
i remember me saying every new year's day:
well..... at least it can't get worse....
it could.
but not this year.
this was a good year.

thank god christmas is over

sketches, '10

so do what you must do
to fill that hole.
cause i did so, too.

i gotta accept the fact that he will act as if he doesn't love me, and does whatever is good for him and not what's good for us.
there is no us anymore.
it's just hard to know how easy it is for him now and how hard it was for me back in the days.
but why does it still make me so angry whenever the moon acts selfish and dumb, just like he always did?
i still want revenge, i think.
my  presumptuous, narcisstic moon....

still sucky!

acryl on canvas, dez '10

unexpectedly this was the best christmas since many years.
aside from the fact that the wolf gave a present to me, which implies he really thinks we're still a couple in 7 months (no need to say that he spent way too much money on it.... ), we had a talk which was really necessary.
just for me i guess.
but he took my doubts in every way.
seems like i'm truly special to him.
i got grown so fast, that i didn't realize, that i'm better at this couple-thing than i thought, or than i ever was with another man.
it's like he hushs my demons to sleep.
i'm still far away from perfect or even good, but i really try my best.
and he, either.
everything he ever did wrong he now tries to do right for he really want this to work out.
not only today and tomorrow, but for a long, long time.
he calls it forever.

dear christmas!

acryl on canvas with stencils, 22/12/10

better colors!

dear christmas.
every sane human being (and me) hates you.
please go away.
u r very sucky.
me!

christmas!?

present for my father, dez '10

so it's here again
christmas.....
i dunno why i wanna give anything to my father, for he is not interested in anyhing that has got to do with me.
those days used to be the worst of the year for me.
it always reminds me of the person i miss and how he should be with me and he is not, but with someone else whoever, his family i think.
this year it'll be different.
well, i hope so, but i'm pretty sure.
christmas still sucks.
three days love, peace and harmony, when everybody secretly thinks: how sucky can anyone be!?
great fun, like every year.
let's barf.

by the way my new favorite word: sucky!

people in detail

 and they said, life goes on.
and life went on.
i didnt even realize it.
they tell you, time will heal.
dumbest shit i've ever heard.
but you're getting used to the pain and getting kinda numb to it.
i thought i'd die without you, but i didn't.
now we seem so far apart, that it's hard to imagine we were so close not too long ago.
three years.
the first two years really felt like dying.
every new day was hard to take.
every day it felt a bit worse.
i fought a war against myself.
in the third year there were some days where i not wanted to die. but still i was desperate.
don't know how much longer i could've take this, if not the wolf had come and saved me.
if it was not him now....
he makes me a better person.
he makes me try harder every day to learn to deal with relationships, accepting love and not feeling the need of misuse and disdain in it.
it's tough.
but i'm better than i thought..

but then stilll...
every now and then...
i think about us and what used to be and how crazy we loved each other.
still i can't forget about you.
today i heard this song, it reminded me of the time we broke up for the last time.
still upsets me.
why must it always be this way??

people

14/12/10 (dry)

"people" (wet), dispersionsfarbe, kaffeesatz auf canvas

tomorrow i'll take a better photo and put up some pics of the details.
just have to charge my camera, those were the last i been able to take...

yay, quotes!

10 min sketch, 11/12/10

„Sollten Ihnen meine Aussagen zu klar gewesen sein, dann müssen Sie mich missverstanden haben.“

alan greenspan 
passt wie die faust aufs auge heute, meine laune schwingt alle 10 min um.
von wütend zu weinerlich zu aufgeregt, wieder wütend,lustig, aktiv, jetzt gerade wieder wütend...
wie vielseitig ich heute bin...
 

sometimes there has to be annoying shit, too...

"Family", 6,4 x 8,9cm, 11/12/10

 i'm sorry for you mental vacuum, bitches!!

didn't know how bitchy even boys can be....
i thought i was old enough to not have to deal with such shit.
another friendship over, byebye my friend!

(charakter gehören nicht mir sondern irgendwem, wieder zeichnen mit vorgaben geübt)

exhausting

"the devil with the deep blue eyes", 08/12/10

 sometimes it's hard to bare.
at some days i'm so numb and feel nothing, i can take a knife cut into my body and still: nothing.
and some days i feel like overwhelming, not knowing how to handle my intense emotions, i feel so much, either negative or positive, always over the top.
like wanting to melt into the man i love.the feelng that you can't breathe from anger.
or love.
or happiness.
or fear...
it's exhausting sometimes.
well, actually it always is.
funny how knocked out you can feel at the end of the day, only from feeling.

had to do this for work,exercise with stencils

nov '10

'though i know i love you:
i'll be runnin', i know it ain't easy to be with me.
maybe that is actually the reason why i'm so scared?

still a lot of snow

"what r u lookin' for?", 28/11/10

life is so sweet with you in it.
since the day i know him everything is a little bit easier and better.
he makes it so easy to love him.
a great man.
...

snow

"birds & lollipops", nov '10

it is freezing cold and in the morning, after the third night i slept like 2 to 3 hours, i forgot to put my jacket on.
i was so confused, in my own world or whatever that i just forgot it!
bad mistake, i felt like the cold cutting into my skin whenever i was outside.
i gotta do something about this insomnia, this was okay when i was younger with no obligations, but it's getting exhausting.
and i need to get my school done, all this skipping classes can't go on like that.
even with good grades...

i miss the wolf.
i hope he comes over tonight.
didn't see him for almost two days, this is a lot for us.
i never thought i could talk like that...
i became one of those women i hate who can't be alone for a freakin' day.
disgusting!