home, sweet home!

a door of my cupboard with oil pastels
basil when he was still in his turquoise world, before he was with Lilith

thank god christmas is over

sketches, '10

so do what you must do
to fill that hole.
cause i did so, too.

i gotta accept the fact that he will act as if he doesn't love me, and does whatever is good for him and not what's good for us.
there is no us anymore.
it's just hard to know how easy it is for him now and how hard it was for me back in the days.
but why does it still make me so angry whenever the moon acts selfish and dumb, just like he always did?
i still want revenge, i think.
my  presumptuous, narcisstic moon....

tired...

pastel on yellow paper, '10

i puked the whole day yesterday.
wasn't much fun...

tell me it's over, i still love you the same

'09

i found a letter today
a letter to the moon:
"the only reason why i keep u near is the same reason why i keep my father near, 'though i hate him for all he's done to me.
i hope u both will one day understand how u made me go through hell and what u made me cope with, understand what loss i had to deal with and how this everlasting image u both left in my mind changed my entire life and mind for the worse.
the long term effect of u will always be a broken soul, lack of self-esteem and these scars i can see everyday covering my arms and my whole body.
none of u both will ever feel what i felt, that i'm pretty sure of, and u will also not know how deep u hurt me and how u made me be a shadow of myself.
how can u even THINK of a fuckin' friendship between us after all u have done to me??
i will probably never have a normal relation to men, sex or violence and will always try to subject any man, just to get him in control, even when i'm not interested in him.
i will punish every man and let him suffer whatever he can take, for something u have done to me.
and secretly i will hate u from the bottom of my heart every second i talk to u, evertime i have to look in your traitor face and everytime our bodies slightly meet, i will hate u.
flaming, white hate, that only people like me are able to feel, sick people.
i bet u don't know the feeling when your emotion is that intense, that it takes your breath, that u need to hold on, 'cause u can do nothing else but feel.
once, this feeling when i thought about u was love.
but u ruined it now.
forever.
and i am not able to be your friend, no matter what ever happens between us, i am not able.
there's too much guilt to pay for u.
'cause all i did to u was never because i'm a coward bitch, but for i adored you.
and this made me insane.
even when i've been at my worst, i always loved u and gave u everything i could, though it wasn't much at some time, but i tried my best.
i been sick, u made me this over the years.
u always been a coward bitch and hurt me just cause you thought of yourself first. now i will never be able again to feel real joy or pity or whatever for you when u need it.
just hate, scorn and disdain.
i know we been trough a lot and a long time, but i just can't.
that's why we never can be friends.
so always remember: the only reason why i keep u near is because i hate you.
but i'm much too proud to show this."

this is exactly how i feel today.
i wish it wasn't so, i wish u couldn't still make me cry.
i wish we could be friends.

he just called me to ask how i am, though he's with his friends, he somehow feels guilty about it.
he didn't leave my flat the last 4 days but still feels not good when he does now.
just to hear my voice, to tell me he loves me and see you tomorrow, honey.
so now i'm feeling even worse about thinkin' about the moon who never appreciated my love like him.
and still doesn't do.
this all shouldn't make me so sad. and angry. and vindictive. and hurt.
i said so many tearful goodbyes to you, but still i can't bear the thought that you don't love me anymore.
though i hate u when i think about the past a second.
it drives me crazy.
shit.
i wish u'd be honest to me this one time and tell me why u did this to me. to us.
whatever.

VENDETTA! VENDETTA!!

Basil!

'09

Basil!

Basil?

i thought, i might rename him...
cause he loves basil and got a basil plant.
and a little racoon.
i love the name basil, so maybe...
somehow i think it fits.
even more then tarsier.
hm.
i need to think bout it.

carpet-day

kreide uff bordstein, '10

 crazy how he still makes me shiver calling me, telling me he comes over after work.

everyday the same.
but still after nine months it makes me grin.

so sorry

white pastel on black paper, '10

hangooooooooooooover!!
great to meet reen again. and his girlfriend.
good to see fuks. not good that he still thinks being together with the moon would be the best for me. i guess he only wants to see that it can work, so that he don't need to accept that his "relationship" is shit. and will always be.
i was too drunk, but it was just nostalgia, that's why i been sad.
nice to see chris.

i'm so sorry for doubting US just because of him and 'cause i'm scared to death.
i hope you can forgive me.
no more "from primary school until we both die".
you are the one i choose.
thank u for being so damn understanding and not givin up on me.
i love u,
a.

Beer

'10

i learned some very important things yesterday.
1. ich hatte ganz vergessen, dass ich in möebbi einen guten freund habe.
2. Beer: WAY better than no beer.
3. ich würde gern mal ein bier mit banksy trinken (schön zu merken, dass nicht der erste gedanke ist: ich wills mit ihm treiben)
4. I größerals3 Kobe und ich denke nicht, dass es etwas gibt, was ich tun würde, womit ich das was wir haben aufs spiel setzen würde.

great quotes from "exit through the gift shop":
"I used to encourage everyone to make art," (long pregnant, beautifully timed pause). "I don't really do that anymore." - banksy
"Yeah, I was faced with that terrible thing, when somebody shows you their work and everything about it is shit... so... you don't really know where to start" - banksy
"He’s just kind of retarded," a worker on the ‘Life Is Beautiful’ show says.

really an entertaining movie, 'though it's a hoax. banksyish eben.

haha, hitler!

'09

 "Wie bitter ist es, wenn der Jubel der Welt der Niederlage, der tiefsten Demütigung des eigenen Landes gilt!?“
thomas mann an das deutsche volk, 10. mai 1945, in "Deutsche hörer!" im radio aus dem exil.
ganz großer satz...
notiz an mich: unbedingt komplett anhören! ----> gibts sogar bei youtube.

schlaflos

portrait, 10x10

Come, take a walk with me!, 10x10

frog costume, 10x10, okt '10

i can't sleep.
indian ink, acryl, leichtstrukturpaste und graphit uff leinwand.ein triptychon für meine gute freundin natalie.
oder "tricolo oder wie das heißt", wie sie es liebevoll nennt...

kuchen!

19/10/10

i'm so in fucking love with you.
i hate myself for being so happy.
it's disgusting!
this is just so not me........
whatever.
ich BUK einen kuchen heute.
vielleicht hatte dr dre unrecht mit "you can't make a hoe a housewife"...
thank god he send him to save me.
und morgen ist offizieller käsekuchentag!

music

'09

eigentlich sollte das eine skizze für eine leinwand werden.
aber alles geriet außer kontrolle.
und dann...
war es das wohl nicht mehr.
keiner weiß warum.

ps: das jobcenter mitte ist eine arbeitsgemeinschaft des bezirks arschloch.

first date

kuli, filzstift, '09

my little tarsier on his first date, how cute he is!!
of course lillith will always be the one for him, but since she refuses he gotta try something new...

buttons

"in love"
kuli, pinker filzstift on paper,  '09

don't go

pencil on paper, ca. '08

whenever you take just one piece of dirty laundry with you, i'm scared, u do it not because u want to wash it, but because u plan to not come back.

the moon's birthday

02/10/09

exactly one year ago.
when i still was so desperatly in love with you.
but when i'm honest, it still makes me sad, that i'm not with you today and she is.
but this was my decision, right?

tarsier

fineliner on paper, ca '08

aus meinem sketchbook
ziemlich alt, intention dahinter war nur ein paar versch. emotionen und zustände darzustellen

introducing: Tarsier & Lillith

tarsier

vor gefühlten hunderten von jahren das 1. mal gezeichnet und trotzdem noch mein lieblingscharacter.

little lovely tarsier and his mean Lillith.

"a day without heroin"
pencil on paper, ca. '08

and a story behind them, as big and beautiful as can be, a lot of pain, a lot of drama and despair, a lot of drugs and a lot of love.

i love them both, maybe cause they are my first own characters

if ever i won't have a life anymore, no friends at all, no man and no job, my cats die and my family, i will draw it.

hopefully this never gonna happen and i still manage to get it done.