a letter to the moon:
"the only reason why i keep u near is the same reason why i keep my father near, 'though i hate him for all he's done to me.
i hope u both will one day understand how u made me go through hell and what u made me cope with, understand what loss i had to deal with and how this everlasting image u both left in my mind changed my entire life and mind for the worse.
the long term effect of u will always be a broken soul, lack of self-esteem and these scars i can see everyday covering my arms and my whole body.
none of u both will ever feel what i felt, that i'm pretty sure of, and u will also not know how deep u hurt me and how u made me be a shadow of myself.
how can u even THINK of a fuckin' friendship between us after all u have done to me??
i will probably never have a normal relation to men, sex or violence and will always try to subject any man, just to get him in control, even when i'm not interested in him.
i will punish every man and let him suffer whatever he can take, for something u have done to me.
and secretly i will hate u from the bottom of my heart every second i talk to u, evertime i have to look in your traitor face and everytime our bodies slightly meet, i will hate u.
flaming, white hate, that only people like me are able to feel, sick people.
i bet u don't know the feeling when your emotion is that intense, that it takes your breath, that u need to hold on, 'cause u can do nothing else but feel.
once, this feeling when i thought about u was love.
but u ruined it now.
and i am not able to be your friend, no matter what ever happens between us, i am not able.
there's too much guilt to pay for u.
'cause all i did to u was never because i'm a coward bitch, but for i adored you.
and this made me insane.
even when i've been at my worst, i always loved u and gave u everything i could, though it wasn't much at some time, but i tried my best.
i been sick, u made me this over the years.
u always been a coward bitch and hurt me just cause you thought of yourself first. now i will never be able again to feel real joy or pity or whatever for you when u need it.
just hate, scorn and disdain.
i know we been trough a lot and a long time, but i just can't.
that's why we never can be friends.
so always remember: the only reason why i keep u near is because i hate you.
but i'm much too proud to show this."
this is exactly how i feel today.
i wish it wasn't so, i wish u couldn't still make me cry.
i wish we could be friends.
he just called me to ask how i am, though he's with his friends, he somehow feels guilty about it.
he didn't leave my flat the last 4 days but still feels not good when he does now.
just to hear my voice, to tell me he loves me and see you tomorrow, honey.
so now i'm feeling even worse about thinkin' about the moon who never appreciated my love like him.
and still doesn't do.
this all shouldn't make me so sad. and angry. and vindictive. and hurt.
i said so many tearful goodbyes to you, but still i can't bear the thought that you don't love me anymore.
though i hate u when i think about the past a second.
it drives me crazy.
i wish u'd be honest to me this one time and tell me why u did this to me. to us.