nightmares again

'10

today was a good day.
didn't expect that after such a terrible night.
i dunno what it is, that i lately dream of blood and me cutting heads of or getting ripped or whatever.
this whole nightmare thing is nothing new, but before it was not that bloody and detailed.
they murdered my family, but there wasn't so much blood and i didn't see their organs fly around.
so every half an hour i woke up, sweating, gasping, with racing heart.
when i think about it now i wonder how i got anything done today.
good to have a wolf next to you to make you know everything is allright.
i hope this won't go on all night again.

i thought i'm done with this.......

but:
i love my job.
i love my man.
and i got people around who love me.
what do i want more!?
strange how much you can take when there is someone you can rely on, who loves and cares for you and is definitely letting you know it.
otherwise i would've refused already with all that stuff i gotta do.
but he makes me want to get my shit together.

girls!

people, you need to accept it:
less is LESS!

braintrash 4

28/11/10

 braintrash again.
das musste definitiv raus nach diesem wochenende...

 "ich hasse dich!" -
"Ja, ich weiß, alex. ich hasse dich, verlass mich nicht."
...
sollte er sich tatsächlich mit der thematik beschäftigen/ beschäftigt haben?

headache

24/11/10

I'm close to givin' up on him...
the fucked up thing is he himself wants me to.
i hate this.
and i keep eatin' and eatin' and still losin' weight.
this is not only fuckin my mind, but my body, too...

by the way, night shift sux.
poor wolf...

damn google...

24/11/10

my beautiful tomcat.
simply love!

er hat mich tatsächlich gegoogelt.
und meinen blog gefunden.
tja.
ich hatte eigentlich nie das gefühl, etwas vor ihm verbergen zu müssen und trotzdem war mir bei dem gedanken unwohl.
so the moon is well up in again.
i wonder if it changed something in his mind...
when i called him, i felt something was different the last 2 days.
maybe it was just my imagination.

so just in case u read this:
dear moon,
i wish u were here right know to talk to me
being like we were when we were younger
u remember this?
it was great.
unfortunately it will never be like this again.
i always tell kobe whenever he gets jealous, it isn't hard to be better then we were because those were hard times,in contrast to his ex-girlfriend with who he had 5 good year.
we both made it harder than it had to be.
but he doesn't know, how hard it will be to be better than us and to keep me.
but he's trying so hard to be better than he was in all of his relationships that i can't refuse that he truly loves me.
i really wish, dear moon, we weren't so dumb to throw it all away.
and i wish you would've make me feel that u still belong to me.
for me this was always clear at every point in our relation.
even when i hated u because u again lied to me, broke my heart, whatever.
but not for you i guess.
i should stop thinkin' of u so much and accept the facts.
but it hurts that the pieces to the puzzle don't fit.
i try so hard to move on.
i just can't believe that this is all there is in the end.
a call every now and then.
a superficial talk about this and that.
hard to bare for me, you seem to like it that way.
that makes it even harder.
we're still so different...
i always thought we're in this together but i never felt so let down by you.
but for the first time, i not feel like this is going to kill me.
it's going to be okay.
someday.
maybe.
i'll see.
sincerely,
me

my shoes

my favorite shoes.
i got lots o them...
a friend gave them to me.
and by the way:
 i'm sorry, dear fat, old lady, but you're baby is very ugly!
i know you can't see it, 'cause it's yours, that's why i tell you.
still i wish u both lots of fun with each other.
me!

tired...

pastel on yellow paper, '10

i puked the whole day yesterday.
wasn't much fun...