finally i walked away

05/09/10

 this year was a good year.
i remember me saying every new year's day:
well..... at least it can't get worse....
it could.
but not this year.
this was a good year.

thank god christmas is over

sketches, '10

so do what you must do
to fill that hole.
cause i did so, too.

i gotta accept the fact that he will act as if he doesn't love me, and does whatever is good for him and not what's good for us.
there is no us anymore.
it's just hard to know how easy it is for him now and how hard it was for me back in the days.
but why does it still make me so angry whenever the moon acts selfish and dumb, just like he always did?
i still want revenge, i think.
my  presumptuous, narcisstic moon....

still sucky!

acryl on canvas, dez '10

unexpectedly this was the best christmas since many years.
aside from the fact that the wolf gave a present to me, which implies he really thinks we're still a couple in 7 months (no need to say that he spent way too much money on it.... ), we had a talk which was really necessary.
just for me i guess.
but he took my doubts in every way.
seems like i'm truly special to him.
i got grown so fast, that i didn't realize, that i'm better at this couple-thing than i thought, or than i ever was with another man.
it's like he hushs my demons to sleep.
i'm still far away from perfect or even good, but i really try my best.
and he, either.
everything he ever did wrong he now tries to do right for he really want this to work out.
not only today and tomorrow, but for a long, long time.
he calls it forever.

dear christmas!

acryl on canvas with stencils, 22/12/10

better colors!

dear christmas.
every sane human being (and me) hates you.
please go away.
u r very sucky.
me!

christmas!?

present for my father, dez '10

so it's here again
christmas.....
i dunno why i wanna give anything to my father, for he is not interested in anyhing that has got to do with me.
those days used to be the worst of the year for me.
it always reminds me of the person i miss and how he should be with me and he is not, but with someone else whoever, his family i think.
this year it'll be different.
well, i hope so, but i'm pretty sure.
christmas still sucks.
three days love, peace and harmony, when everybody secretly thinks: how sucky can anyone be!?
great fun, like every year.
let's barf.

by the way my new favorite word: sucky!

people in detail

 and they said, life goes on.
and life went on.
i didnt even realize it.
they tell you, time will heal.
dumbest shit i've ever heard.
but you're getting used to the pain and getting kinda numb to it.
i thought i'd die without you, but i didn't.
now we seem so far apart, that it's hard to imagine we were so close not too long ago.
three years.
the first two years really felt like dying.
every new day was hard to take.
every day it felt a bit worse.
i fought a war against myself.
in the third year there were some days where i not wanted to die. but still i was desperate.
don't know how much longer i could've take this, if not the wolf had come and saved me.
if it was not him now....
he makes me a better person.
he makes me try harder every day to learn to deal with relationships, accepting love and not feeling the need of misuse and disdain in it.
it's tough.
but i'm better than i thought..

but then stilll...
every now and then...
i think about us and what used to be and how crazy we loved each other.
still i can't forget about you.
today i heard this song, it reminded me of the time we broke up for the last time.
still upsets me.
why must it always be this way??

people

14/12/10 (dry)

"people" (wet), dispersionsfarbe, kaffeesatz auf canvas

tomorrow i'll take a better photo and put up some pics of the details.
just have to charge my camera, those were the last i been able to take...

yay, quotes!

10 min sketch, 11/12/10

„Sollten Ihnen meine Aussagen zu klar gewesen sein, dann müssen Sie mich missverstanden haben.“

alan greenspan 
passt wie die faust aufs auge heute, meine laune schwingt alle 10 min um.
von wütend zu weinerlich zu aufgeregt, wieder wütend,lustig, aktiv, jetzt gerade wieder wütend...
wie vielseitig ich heute bin...
 

sometimes there has to be annoying shit, too...

"Family", 6,4 x 8,9cm, 11/12/10

 i'm sorry for you mental vacuum, bitches!!

didn't know how bitchy even boys can be....
i thought i was old enough to not have to deal with such shit.
another friendship over, byebye my friend!

(charakter gehören nicht mir sondern irgendwem, wieder zeichnen mit vorgaben geübt)

exhausting

"the devil with the deep blue eyes", 08/12/10

 sometimes it's hard to bare.
at some days i'm so numb and feel nothing, i can take a knife cut into my body and still: nothing.
and some days i feel like overwhelming, not knowing how to handle my intense emotions, i feel so much, either negative or positive, always over the top.
like wanting to melt into the man i love.the feelng that you can't breathe from anger.
or love.
or happiness.
or fear...
it's exhausting sometimes.
well, actually it always is.
funny how knocked out you can feel at the end of the day, only from feeling.

had to do this for work,exercise with stencils

nov '10

'though i know i love you:
i'll be runnin', i know it ain't easy to be with me.
maybe that is actually the reason why i'm so scared?

still a lot of snow

"what r u lookin' for?", 28/11/10

life is so sweet with you in it.
since the day i know him everything is a little bit easier and better.
he makes it so easy to love him.
a great man.
...

snow

"birds & lollipops", nov '10

it is freezing cold and in the morning, after the third night i slept like 2 to 3 hours, i forgot to put my jacket on.
i was so confused, in my own world or whatever that i just forgot it!
bad mistake, i felt like the cold cutting into my skin whenever i was outside.
i gotta do something about this insomnia, this was okay when i was younger with no obligations, but it's getting exhausting.
and i need to get my school done, all this skipping classes can't go on like that.
even with good grades...

i miss the wolf.
i hope he comes over tonight.
didn't see him for almost two days, this is a lot for us.
i never thought i could talk like that...
i became one of those women i hate who can't be alone for a freakin' day.
disgusting!

nightmares again

'10

today was a good day.
didn't expect that after such a terrible night.
i dunno what it is, that i lately dream of blood and me cutting heads of or getting ripped or whatever.
this whole nightmare thing is nothing new, but before it was not that bloody and detailed.
they murdered my family, but there wasn't so much blood and i didn't see their organs fly around.
so every half an hour i woke up, sweating, gasping, with racing heart.
when i think about it now i wonder how i got anything done today.
good to have a wolf next to you to make you know everything is allright.
i hope this won't go on all night again.

i thought i'm done with this.......

but:
i love my job.
i love my man.
and i got people around who love me.
what do i want more!?
strange how much you can take when there is someone you can rely on, who loves and cares for you and is definitely letting you know it.
otherwise i would've refused already with all that stuff i gotta do.
but he makes me want to get my shit together.

girls!

people, you need to accept it:
less is LESS!

braintrash 4

28/11/10

 braintrash again.
das musste definitiv raus nach diesem wochenende...

 "ich hasse dich!" -
"Ja, ich weiß, alex. ich hasse dich, verlass mich nicht."
...
sollte er sich tatsächlich mit der thematik beschäftigen/ beschäftigt haben?

headache

24/11/10

I'm close to givin' up on him...
the fucked up thing is he himself wants me to.
i hate this.
and i keep eatin' and eatin' and still losin' weight.
this is not only fuckin my mind, but my body, too...

by the way, night shift sux.
poor wolf...

damn google...

24/11/10

my beautiful tomcat.
simply love!

er hat mich tatsächlich gegoogelt.
und meinen blog gefunden.
tja.
ich hatte eigentlich nie das gefühl, etwas vor ihm verbergen zu müssen und trotzdem war mir bei dem gedanken unwohl.
so the moon is well up in again.
i wonder if it changed something in his mind...
when i called him, i felt something was different the last 2 days.
maybe it was just my imagination.

so just in case u read this:
dear moon,
i wish u were here right know to talk to me
being like we were when we were younger
u remember this?
it was great.
unfortunately it will never be like this again.
i always tell kobe whenever he gets jealous, it isn't hard to be better then we were because those were hard times,in contrast to his ex-girlfriend with who he had 5 good year.
we both made it harder than it had to be.
but he doesn't know, how hard it will be to be better than us and to keep me.
but he's trying so hard to be better than he was in all of his relationships that i can't refuse that he truly loves me.
i really wish, dear moon, we weren't so dumb to throw it all away.
and i wish you would've make me feel that u still belong to me.
for me this was always clear at every point in our relation.
even when i hated u because u again lied to me, broke my heart, whatever.
but not for you i guess.
i should stop thinkin' of u so much and accept the facts.
but it hurts that the pieces to the puzzle don't fit.
i try so hard to move on.
i just can't believe that this is all there is in the end.
a call every now and then.
a superficial talk about this and that.
hard to bare for me, you seem to like it that way.
that makes it even harder.
we're still so different...
i always thought we're in this together but i never felt so let down by you.
but for the first time, i not feel like this is going to kill me.
it's going to be okay.
someday.
maybe.
i'll see.
sincerely,
me

my shoes

my favorite shoes.
i got lots o them...
a friend gave them to me.
and by the way:
 i'm sorry, dear fat, old lady, but you're baby is very ugly!
i know you can't see it, 'cause it's yours, that's why i tell you.
still i wish u both lots of fun with each other.
me!

tired...

pastel on yellow paper, '10

i puked the whole day yesterday.
wasn't much fun...

stone & wood

"my moon on wood" 19/11/10

was für eine woche...
und die nächste wird nur noch schlimmer.
ich hatte ganz vergessen wie anstrengend verpflichtungen wie schule, klausuren etc sind....
so wenig zeit zum zeichnen, dass ich schon richtig unausgeglichen bin.

"my moon on stone" 19/11/10

a hard weekend

"die weltfremde und der verpeiler", 12/11/10

die meisten namen meiner classmates sind mir nicht geläufig.....

our first real argument about the moon.
he was really hurt, just because i'm a dumb bitch.
how could i think it was a good idea to meet the moon 5 o'clock in the morning?
in his flat.
ALONE.
as if anything good happened ever before when we did something like this.
i'm not used to this " i got a boyfriend and can not do whatever i want with whoever i want".
sometimes i still forget.

he was upset the whole saturday, but it was okay when he went home.
later we fucked his ex-girlfriends head.
funny for me.
he told me so many times that he adores me, that i gotta belive him.
and she is out!
everyone could see, she is so angry with me....
and she runs after him like a fuckin' dog, tryin' to look as if it wasn't so.
he always tells me i shouldn't let her bother me, 'cause i won.
i guess he's right.
he didn't even look at her.
...
he said he wants to be with me forever.
and that he's not the type of man who tells a woman he loves her, if he did not think about it and considered it was for longer then just 2 or 3 years.
forever is a very long time...

no time

pastels, 11/11/10

24 hours are definitely not enuogh for a boyfriend, myself, my cats, school and my art.
not to mention friends and family....

ich komme zu GAR nichts und dieser mist da oben hat auch nur 10 min gedauert.
eigentlich hätte ich lernen sollen.
post aus istanbul with a kiss and a heart.
it makes me... nervous.
<3

tell me it's over, i still love you the same

'09

i found a letter today
a letter to the moon:
"the only reason why i keep u near is the same reason why i keep my father near, 'though i hate him for all he's done to me.
i hope u both will one day understand how u made me go through hell and what u made me cope with, understand what loss i had to deal with and how this everlasting image u both left in my mind changed my entire life and mind for the worse.
the long term effect of u will always be a broken soul, lack of self-esteem and these scars i can see everyday covering my arms and my whole body.
none of u both will ever feel what i felt, that i'm pretty sure of, and u will also not know how deep u hurt me and how u made me be a shadow of myself.
how can u even THINK of a fuckin' friendship between us after all u have done to me??
i will probably never have a normal relation to men, sex or violence and will always try to subject any man, just to get him in control, even when i'm not interested in him.
i will punish every man and let him suffer whatever he can take, for something u have done to me.
and secretly i will hate u from the bottom of my heart every second i talk to u, evertime i have to look in your traitor face and everytime our bodies slightly meet, i will hate u.
flaming, white hate, that only people like me are able to feel, sick people.
i bet u don't know the feeling when your emotion is that intense, that it takes your breath, that u need to hold on, 'cause u can do nothing else but feel.
once, this feeling when i thought about u was love.
but u ruined it now.
forever.
and i am not able to be your friend, no matter what ever happens between us, i am not able.
there's too much guilt to pay for u.
'cause all i did to u was never because i'm a coward bitch, but for i adored you.
and this made me insane.
even when i've been at my worst, i always loved u and gave u everything i could, though it wasn't much at some time, but i tried my best.
i been sick, u made me this over the years.
u always been a coward bitch and hurt me just cause you thought of yourself first. now i will never be able again to feel real joy or pity or whatever for you when u need it.
just hate, scorn and disdain.
i know we been trough a lot and a long time, but i just can't.
that's why we never can be friends.
so always remember: the only reason why i keep u near is because i hate you.
but i'm much too proud to show this."

this is exactly how i feel today.
i wish it wasn't so, i wish u couldn't still make me cry.
i wish we could be friends.

he just called me to ask how i am, though he's with his friends, he somehow feels guilty about it.
he didn't leave my flat the last 4 days but still feels not good when he does now.
just to hear my voice, to tell me he loves me and see you tomorrow, honey.
so now i'm feeling even worse about thinkin' about the moon who never appreciated my love like him.
and still doesn't do.
this all shouldn't make me so sad. and angry. and vindictive. and hurt.
i said so many tearful goodbyes to you, but still i can't bear the thought that you don't love me anymore.
though i hate u when i think about the past a second.
it drives me crazy.
shit.
i wish u'd be honest to me this one time and tell me why u did this to me. to us.
whatever.

VENDETTA! VENDETTA!!

daily sketches

two days ago or some.
need to go to school now.
i think i got my motivation back.

daily sketches

"arrogance", A4

"Let's fart.", 10x14cm

"Storch & Skalpell", A5

ich mag menschen mit tierköpfen.
alles heute mit 8B bleistift.

Basil!

'09

Basil!

Basil?

i thought, i might rename him...
cause he loves basil and got a basil plant.
and a little racoon.
i love the name basil, so maybe...
somehow i think it fits.
even more then tarsier.
hm.
i need to think bout it.

all my evils

all my evils, '10

it was bound to happen...
i tried too hard to avoid it.
i threw one of my fits.
it was too much of everything.
i threw a fit and he's been there for me.
he was perfect.
didn't got angry, did not went away, he stayed and held me.
ignoring my remarks how much i hate him and want him to leave.
he knew i was lyin' and was not too proud to fail  to hear this shit.
my eyes hurt.
half an hour later he talked about how we could celebrate our jubilee in a few months and that he wants to invite me for dinner tomorrow.
like i didn't cry and yelled at him, insulted him, told him that i want to be without him.
can anyone believe that?
how great, understanding and patient can one man be?
my arms look terrible.
i'm tired.
he made me feel like it's okay. that i won't lose his love for this bullshit.
he loves me with all my evils.
i never met a greater man...

tell her we've been lickin' coconut skins

acryl auf pappe, aug '10

nur mal so in 10 min hingerotzt um farbe zu verschwenden.
und zu üben.
und um die neuen pinsel auszuprobieren. hauptsächlich das.

does she know we've been hangin' out?

let's go, kill some cuntz

 i hate these damn WHORES!!!!!!!!!!!!
and i hate myself for letting this infect me so much............
FUCKIN BITCHES!
ima bust some heads soon....
seriously, if they don't get a grip, ima catch a fuckin' case!

carpet-day

kreide uff bordstein, '10

 crazy how he still makes me shiver calling me, telling me he comes over after work.

everyday the same.
but still after nine months it makes me grin.

school's overrated anyway...

6,4 x 8,9 cm, 21/10/10

i know that she knows i'm not far from his skin.
why we always end up closer than close,
or fighting like cats and dogs.
dunno why i'm tryin' to do this to myself, this whole friendship-thing.


achso: charakter nennt sich sugar, (c) bei irgendsonem weib, wollte nur ausprobieren wie das so mit nach vorgaben zeichnen läuft.
ging ganz gut....
usually i'm not very into this whole fantasy-thing, but it was fun.
i'm not into anything too much today, i guess.
i really wish he was here right now.
i don't feel very well today.

braintrash 3

kuli, beides zusammen A4, '08

sehr alt

schon früh war meine seltsame affinität zu brüsten erkennbar...

was dedicated to the moon again

finally took it off the wall...

i guess, he likes it better this way.

"Dann lüge ich in sein schönes Gesicht:

Ich wünsche ihm Unglück, dass ihn zerbricht." 

       (eva strittmatter: "der winter nach der schlimmen liebe")

wie uns auf den leib geschrieben.

ich liebe eva strittmatter, ihr mann ist auch sehr genial...

schade, dass ich ein zu schlechter mensch bin, um ihn einfach für immer zu lieben für das, was er Gutes für mich getan hat.

ich werde ihn wohl für immer tief in mir hassen für all das andere.